


Humanity is Overrated

by BelladonnaVeilsin



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Aged-Up Dib (Invader Zim), Competent Zim (Invader Zim), Dib is So Done (Invader Zim), M/M, POV Dib (Invader Zim), Xenophiliac Dib (Invader Zim), ZaDr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelladonnaVeilsin/pseuds/BelladonnaVeilsin
Summary: Laid up in the hospital by the people he protects, Dib takes a different path than Defender of Earth.
Relationships: Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 154





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ZaDR! Dib is finally fed up with Earth. He tells Zim that he'll join him in conquering/destroying Earth provided that he and his family are spared and protected when the time comes.
> 
> Gaz is a bit OOC (but it could be argued that time would change her character) and it gets a little dialogue-heavy at points, but that was how it went.

I woke in a hospital, confused. It took only a few moments for my head to catch up, but my head seemed to have crawled through broken glass and rusted nails to get to my body, because it was letting me know that it wanted to just throw the towel in and not be awake anymore. My body had been dropped into a tub of achiness and pain before they threw me on the bed, and it agreed that checking out so the pain was no longer an issue was an excellent idea.

Torque. Torque and his friends. There had to have been seven guys total. Now, I was actually more formidable than most of the bullies realized, thanks to my constant skirmishing with Zim, but seven to one is bad odds, especially since they got the drop on me and not visa-versa. Torque had been pissed off since I had made all the other students laugh at him during my daily public posturing. I had been growing wearier and wearier of being the bigger person, the hero who was mistreated by everyone who needed his protection. So I had engaged him in verbal sparring and easily made a fool of him. It was fun and gratifying. Until Torque and Co. caught up with me.

There was a monitor beeping that was annoying, but it was enough to know that Dad hadn't been distracted from his work yet to move me to one of his private facilities, as he always did with Gaz and I eventually. Aside from the monitor beeping, I heard other beeps and pings, very familiar ones. “Gaz?” I asked, moving my eyes as far as possible since moving my head sounded like a really bad idea.

“Oh, you're awake.” Gaz appeared sans Game Slave 3 at the side of my bed, obviously deciding if she should immediately tell me how stupid I was. Our relationship had improved by leaps and bounds through Graid Skool and into Hi Skool. While she still occasionally threatened to stuff all my paranormal stuff into my paranormal-sized head, I was one of the very few people –perhaps only person– who was privileged to witness her softer side. Don't get me wrong, her softer side was most often like petting a tiger's stomach; pleasant and rewarding while you waited for the claws to show again.

“You paused a game for me. I'm touched,” I said, smiling a little, despite the pain. It probably looked like a grimace. “And you're here. I assume you called 911? No one else would bother.”

She scoffed. “Yeah. I found you and figured we didn't have time to get through Dad's communicative hurdles so I just called 911. You know the paramedic didn't want to let me come along because she didn't believe I was your sister?”

I chuckled, which drew a wince of pain from me. “You can't deny that there's a decidedly different look between us. You're my beautiful goth-princess little sister, and I'm your geeky-looking loser of an older brother. They probably took you because someone like you wouldn't make that shit up to ride in an ambulance with someone like me. If the situation was reversed, they would have kicked me to the curb and told me to stalk you to the hospital myself.”

Gaz blushed and clenched her fists. “If you didn't look like one good punch would finish you off, I'd smack you right now. Don't say shit like that.”

I was about to shrug but thought better of it. “Hey, it's not my fault you matured gorgeously while I only managed to attain more gawkiness. But facts are facts, little sister.”

She sighed in resignation. “Well, I didn't want to leave and have you wake up alone, but...I might go now.”

Gaz hated hospitals. As did I. And neither of us were fond of Dad's medical labs either. The one time a very lost and confused intern came in and tried to get me to swallow a radioactive goldfish was still a crisp, clear memory in my head. The fact that she had stayed until I woke up spoke volumes of the changes between us.

“Yeah, go ahead and run. If I could dash out the door, I would,” I told her, grin/grimacing at her.

Gaz nodded, grabbing her GS3 and her school bag. “I'll be back tomorrow after school. I might ask about your homework.”

“Thanks, Gaz. Where would I be without you?”

“Bleeding on the concrete, waiting for Zim to find you and finish you off,” she replied promptly, and graced me with one of her lovely hate-less smiles. “See ya tomorrow; call if you need something.”

I watched her leave, and her answer to my question brought dark ideas that had only been vague thoughts drifting around the periphery of my consciousness since I woke up into the forefront of my brain. And the thoughts were unthinkable, except they obviously weren't anymore. Which scared me.

Gaz must have told the nurse I was awake because one came in to check on me, get some vitals, and tell me she'd be back with some painkillers. _That_ I looked forward to. But when she left it was just me and my thoughts again. I tried to distract myself by painfully retrieving the remote and looking for something to watch, maybe some Mysterious Mysteries re-runs. Like the one I was on with Zim...

I turned the TV off, convinced nothing was going to distract me. Until something walked in the door to prove me wrong. “Zim?”

He, at all of 4' 11”, strode in proudly. He was such a wee little thing I wanted to put him in my pocket, if that wouldn't have cost me my thigh and sensitive bits. Any of the bullies who mistook his size for weakness learned the error of their ways painfully. Now I was pretty much the only person who willingly engaged in any interaction with Zim. “The Tiny Terror” he was called by people who had made very certain that he wasn't in earshot.

“I waited for the Gaz-beast to go, but then the nurse-human came in. I heard you ran into more trouble than you could handle or outrun,” Zim said. He looked disinterested, but he was here, so he wasn't as uncaring as he might seem. Even if he only cared because now would be a great time to kill me.

And when my little sister and mortal enemy were the only ones who gave a damn if I lived or died, I realized that there was clarity in this situation I had been unwilling to recognize before. I thought of looking up at Torque and his friends as they pummeled me, their hateful grins seared into my memory.

“Did they break your brain, Dib-stink? I would think your enormous thick skull was keeping it well-protected.”

I shook myself from my thoughts, unable to stop a whine of discomfort at the motion. “Um, I'm okay. Well, actually, I'm really really not, but I think I might be okay soon, if not physically.”

“Zim has been here for too many years, but he still doesn't understand your feelings-riddles,” Zim said, pouting.

Zim didn't refer to himself in the third person much anymore, and if he did, it tended to be when I was around. It made me feel special. “Nevermind, Zim. I've just been doing some thinking. What brings you to my sterile and soulless prison cell?”

That made the alien eye me critically. “Zim told you, he heard you got in trouble and got taken to Hospittle. He wondered what kind of trouble brought down the great defender of humanity.”

I sighed. “Same as always: humans. You were there at lunch when everyone laughed at Torque. Well, he and six of his buddies cornered me as I was leaving school. I couldn't get past them, and there were too many to fight.”

Our exchange highlighted the issues I'd been feeling of late, and I felt a darker side of me creeping more and more into the driver's seat. Zim seemed to see something of that in my expression. “Dib-stink has been very down lately. You were pathetically weak even before they broke your body.”

He seemed to eye my condition, taking me in in detail. “Indeed, Zim isn't sure why he doesn't just smother you with a pillow and be done with it.”

“I'll tell you why you shouldn't,” I said before I could stop myself by reminding myself that this was a horrible idea.

“Oh? And what does the Dib-worm think is so important about him?” Zim asked smugly.

I took a breath and exhaled, making sure I really wanted to do this. “You shouldn't kill me because I can help you conquer the Earth.”

Zim just stared at me, frowning and watching my face with intense, false eyes. “You really have become weak if you think I would fall for such a pathetic ploy-”

“No ploy. I'm serious. You know how proud I am, how determined. I wouldn't say anything like this if I didn't mean it.”

That made Zim stare at me harder, and I felt myself blushing under all the bruises, bandages, and casts. “Dib-pig is serious? What about humanity?”

Torque and Co. came into my mind's eye, along with everyone and anyone else at school. Even the Swollen Eyeball Network scorned me for the most part. “If the people around me are the examples of humanity, I'm beginning to think I'm not human. I don't belong here, and that's been obvious my whole life. My whole life these people have been giving me reasons that they should be destroyed, but I tried to save them. They always want to destroy me. So it has kind of clarified my options.”

“So you surrender to Zim?” he asked, and even his fake contacts showed the spark of heady pleasure he felt at the idea.

“Not surrender,” I corrected. “I want to negotiate a partnership.”

“Partners...” Zim seemed to be trying to pin down the definition of the word. “The Dib wants to mate with Zim?”

That was so far away from anything I might have expected him to say that my jaw just fell open as my blush intensified. “What?! NO!”

“But that's what it means when two males join together, yes?” Zim asked, looking far too innocent.

“NO! I mean, yes, but NO! I mean a platonic partnership, something that is friendly but focuses on business. I swear, I have no idea where you come up with this shit...”

“When we were assigned topics for presentations in Sex-Ed, you had male homosexuality. You had a very good presentation, even if all the stink-pigs gave you hell about it for the rest of the year. I remember what you told us.”

I was going to combust if he didn't cut this out. That year was hell and better left to be forgotten. No such luck. “Zim, we're getting a bit off-topic.” A lot of the hell I was given that year was insinuations that I was the lover of the alien in front of me. Although no one called him an alien, just “that green freak”. This was the most horrible of all the reminders I could have gotten about that time.

“So, a plutonic partnership. Do we need Plutonium for that?”

I growled. “PLA-TON-IC. Not romantic. Friendly. Also nothing to do with Plutonium.”

“Then what would this partnership entail?” Zim asked. The curiosity on his face was adorable, and I didn't want that kind of thought anywhere near my head, let alone in it.

“I help you conquer Earth –preferably not destroy, since a lot of the wildlife and landscape are pretty cool, not to mention supernatural phenomena– and in return I get your protection when the end comes. Oh, and Gaz. There's no deal if you expect me to enslave or destroy my little sister,” I said firmly.

Now Zim was giving me a shrewd look. “How can Zim be sure you won't try to destroy him once his guard is down?”

“Zim, you're sitting next to my hospital bed where I'm lying all but incapable of moving. My guard is pretty damn down, but you're talking to me, not smothering me with a pillow. I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who would kill you with your guard down after that. I don't want to be like the rest of humanity. I haven't _really_ wanted you dead for years. All I had to do was imagine life with you gone, and I realized that you're the best thing in my life, mortal enemy or not.”

Zim was looking at me in wide-eyed astonishment. “The Dib does seem quite serious. And all you want in exchange for your help is for you and your sister to stay with Zim once we are finished?”

I nodded, then groaned. Where was that damn nurse? “Yeah. I just want Gaz and I to live free and happy, preferably not here. I don't intend to tell her about any of this anytime soon, but I love my little sister, and I couldn't leave her behind. If you don't want to bring her, I'll protect the whole damn planet just to protect her.”

“Zim has always been fascinated with this human concept of 'family'. Especially given that you don't have much of one, your fierce loyalty is bizarre.”

“I was just thinking earlier that you and she are the only ones who would really care one way or the other that I was dead. You two are all I have. I don't want to let either of you go.”

Zim leaned in towards me as I said the last part and it made me nervous. My blush hadn't completely died down, and his proximity was doing nothing to help that. “The Dib has made Zim a very attractive offer. Zim must consider his options before he decides.”

He stood from his chair, and I smiled. “I didn't expect you to immediately jump on the opportunity to work with me. But until we have a deal, I'll defend Earth. Pretty much just for Gaz. Understood?”

Zim nodded. “How long will you be in your sanitary soulless prison?”

“Ages, from what my body is telling me. And my body is screaming.” I groaned.

Zim's PAK gave him a syringe, and I didn't have the energy, mobility, or warning to do anything before he injected me with whatever it was, bringing a hiss from my lips as the substance spread like fire through me. “What the hell did you do?” I demanded.

“Whether you're his ally or not, Zim does not accept 'ages' as reasonable time to heal. This should kick your puny human body into gear. You'll need to consume lots of filthy calories,” he said as the PAK took the empty syringe.

The fire was calming from a searing roar to a warm, crackling blaze. I didn't hurt anymore, and I was very comfortable and a little sleepy. “Okaaaay...” I said, starting to drift into sleep. “Thanks, Zim.”

I saw him blink at me, then give me the tiniest of sincere smiles. “Sleep, Diblet. And eat a lot when you wake up.”

'Diblet, that's new,' I thought as the room got fuzzy.

(-)

“Dib! Wake your stupid ass up!”

I opened my eyes, still cozy and content, except for the ravenous hunger tearing through me. “God, he wasn't joking. I'm starving.”

I had lifted my head, but then a none-too-gentle push on my forehead had me back on my pillow. Gaz was standing over my bed, scowling. “I got called out of school this afternoon because you'd slept through last night and all of today so far, and they couldn't figure out why.”

I groaned and sat up, finding that it was no longer screaming agony to do so. Painful, yes, but manageable. “Out of school? Dad isn't coming, right?”

“He shouldn't be. I'm your emergency contact. If he knew you were here he'd just make a big fuss and take you to his lab. I wouldn't want that, and I doubt you would either,” Gaz said, her arms crossed at she continued to glare at me. “What did you do?”

I blinked stupidly for a few seconds before I realized what she meant. “Zim came to visit me yesterday. I...proposed a truce, at least temporarily, and he shot some stuff into me since he said it was no fun to kill me lying injured in a hospital bed.”

“You and Zim, a truce? What, is Tak back? You don't look or smell like bologna.”

“Ha ha,” I said dryly. “He said the stuff would make my body heal faster and that I needed to eat a lot more while it did.”

“I doubt the hospital will be feeding you large amounts of edible food. They don't have ketchup and rice on the menu, but...” Gaz looked thoughtful. Then she sat my backpack on the little table that was rolled over my bed. “You're lucky I was planning to visit you right after school.”

I opened it and saw that not only was my homework in it, but my laptop, a few other gadgets, and some of my favorite snacks. “Have I ever told you what a beautiful, wonderful sibling you are?”

Gaz smirked and pulled out her GS3. “Not often enough. But I'm gonna leave; I'll be back in a bit, okay?”

I nodded. “Thank you. I'll see you in a bit.” I immediately tore open a bag of chips, snarfing them down like Gir snarfed tacos. I made my way through the rest of the snacks within a minute, two tops. I hoped they brought dinner soon.

Once again, Gaz had informed the nurses that I was awake. A different nurse from yesterday came in. “I see you're awake. We thought you might be slipping into a coma.” She had a very disinterested voice, reinforcing my choice to join Zim.

“Nope, just a healing trance or something, because I feel a lot better. Except I'm starving. I've missed a few meals, right?”

She glanced at me, an eyebrow raised at my enthusiasm, and said, “Yeah. You want your lunch?”

“Could I have my lunch and breakfast? I'm _really_ hungry.”

The nurse shrugged, looking bored. “Sure. It'll be here sometime.”

I suppressed a growl, praying it got here before I had to climb out of bed and eat whatever patients, doctors, or nurses I came across. I bet a visitor would fill me up nicely.

It actually got to my room after fifteen minutes, to my pleasant surprise. The male nurse who brought the trays flinched as I rapidly started to devour what he'd set before me. He was backing up cautiously but hadn't made it to the door before I was done. “That was great, thanks. When's dinner?”

(-)

Gaz returned after I'd devoured dinner, saying, “You freaked out the nurses. Did you eat one of them?”

“Hey, I showed great restraint in eating no one, even though I'm still starving.” I smelled something that made my mouth water, and I noticed Gaz had something behind her back. She set three pizza boxes and an appetizer/side box on the rolling table.

Grinning at my delighted expression, she snagged one pizza box and said, “I expect a breadstick too.” She took one out and put it on top of her box, moving to sit in the visitor's chair.

I never thought Bloaty's Pizza could smell so much like heaven. This must be how it smelled to Gaz. I opened the top box and devoured the breadsticks before moving on to demolish the pizza. I was opening the last box when I noticed Gaz with a piece of pizza half-way to her mouth, staring at me. “What?”

“God, those nurses weren't joking. You're like a rabid animal. What the hell did Zim give you?”

I shrugged, pleased to find only slightest twinge from the motion. “I have no idea, but it's something kind of awesome. I feel like I got enthusiastically beat up by one, maybe two guys yesterday.” I nodded to myself and then ate the last pizza. I restrained myself from asking if Gaz would finish hers. She'd been Super Sister for bringing and sharing pizza in the first place.

“So, after I'm better you'll have to let me know how to thank the best sister ever. Seriously, you're saving me left and right, here.”

That Cheshire Cat grin grew on Gaz's face, and years ago it would have been disturbing. Now I was just glad to see that making me happy made my sister happy, even if it was mostly for the recompense. “Next time you break into Zim's lab, see if he has any video games. I'd like to see what invading aliens play. Barring that, the Game Slave 4 is coming out this month.”

My grin nearly matched hers. “Sounds like a plan.” Hell, I wondered if I could get Zim to order her some games, if he didn't have any. I didn't actually need to break into his lab anymore...probably...if he accepted my deal.

We shared companionable silence as I worked on completing my homework and she ate, unable to play her GS3 without covering it in grease. “Do you wonder if Dad really even cares anymore? He barely acknowledged us when we were kids, and now it's almost like we don't exist to him. I haven't seen him at home in a year or so, I think,” I said thoughtfully.

“Two years he's skipped Family Night. We haven't seen him in two years. And I swear, if that outdated recording tells me to feed the puppy one more time I'm going to bash the screen with a baseball bat. There is no puppy,” Gaz said sourly.

I thought about that for a minute and said, “Do you want a puppy? Or a kitten? We could always get one; it isn't like we need Dad's permission.”

Gaz considered my offer but shook her head. “Nah, I wouldn't have the patience, and I'd destroy it pretty quickly. Zim's robot/fake-dog is much better than regular pets not to mention more durable. I think even if I dismantled that thing it would still sing about tacos or whatever.”

That brought my eyebrows up. “You like Gir?”

Blushing ever-so-slightly, Gaz scowled at me. “No! He's just...amusing. It's not like I'd want him around or anything. He's crazy, and who needs that?”

And wasn't that statement telling. Well, when we did conquer Earth I supposed Gaz would be able to enjoy Gir's company when she wasn't with Zim or me. I kind of wondered how pissed she would be that I joined up with Zim to destroy humanity. She had a few casual friends and acquaintances that tied her to the normal world, unlike me. Maybe it was something she'd never forgive me for. Maybe like leaving Dad behind.

I figured asking for my maniac scientist father to come would be too much, since Dad could do a ridiculous amount of mischief with alien technology, a lot of it probably things that Zim wouldn't want. I couldn't leave without Gaz, but my father? I figured he'd leave without me, if our positions were reversed.

It wasn't much longer before Gaz slid her pizza box onto the table. I peeked under the top and saw a little over half of a pepperoni pizza and when I gave her a questioning glance, she nodded. I tore through the rest of that pizza in 10 or 15 seconds.

Gaz was looking wary. “Are you sure Zim had that formula for humans? You're a little scary right now.”

I shrugged. “I'd have to ask him,” I said. “Although given my rate of healing, I should be back to school soon. I suppose I'd better prep some defensive measures, because I'm tired of the bullying, and Torque will undoubtedly want it to continue, as will all the other bullies.”

“You should have beaten them up a long time ago,” Gaz said, GS3 a-beeping. “If they knew that you could make _them_ a victim, they'd back off and find another target.”

It certainly sounded like an attractive option. Since Torque and Co. were the ones who finally got me to resign as Defender of Humanity, maybe they should get a taste of what was once keeping them safe...

I looked at Gaz, who seemed content enough to sit with her GS3, but I could see the tension in her posture that had nothing to do with Super-Kicky Fighter 8. “You can go home, Gaz. I'll be fine here. Especially since you brought the pizza.”

She glanced up at me, and I could tell she wanted to run. “You won't eat a nurse or something if I leave?”

I smiled. “Nah, I was thinking a doctor would be more filling. But, seriously, I'll be fine. I'll work on my homework and not devour the staff.”

Gaz was grabbing her bag and standing up hurriedly. “You know to call me if you need me, right?”

“Yes. Thank you, little sister. I'm really supposed to be the one looking after you.”

“Eh, you did that when I was little.” Gaz shot me a smile over her shoulder before she left.

I sighed and settled in with Math homework. Actually, all my assignments seemed even easier than usual, and it took me a half-hour to do 5 subjects' worth. I was laying back in bed after I finished when my ears picked up on squeaky plush-toy footsteps. I knew those footsteps.

Gir came into my room, doggie disguise donned, gave me a crazed smile. “HAI, BIG-HED BOI!”

He walked right up to my bed and sat on my homework on the rolling table. A second later a security guard came in and said, “Sir, there are no dogs allowed in the hospital.”

I fought back a scowl. People were so stupid. “He's not a dog,” I said calmly. “He's a prototype robot-dog plushie I'm developing. Wave to the nice man, Gir.”

Gir waved enthusiastically and squealed, “HAI!”

“See? He's advanced,” I told the security guard.

The security guard frowned doubtfully. He was that convinced that Gir was a real dog. Yeah, I hated humanity. “I guess, but he'd better not make a mess,” the guard replied warningly.

“Of course not,” I said.

The guard left and I told Gir, “Try not to destroy anything. Or cover anything in any kind of substance.”

“But wat about the waffuls!” he protested, and his costume split open and a plate of hot waffles floated out of his head and into his hands. He pushed his little antenna down like a pump and spit brown sticky syrup all over the waffles.

He handed me the plate as his suit went back into place. I was ready to devour them but had a thought that gave me pause. “There aren't peanuts and soap in these, are there?”

Gir giggled. “Nope! Mastah told meh that duh best waffuls hav wafful in em! I make deh best waffuls.”

“Did Zim send you?” I rapidly devoured the waffles, and Gir clapped like I had done a magic trick. He did make excellent waffles.

“Yeah! Mastah sed deh big hed boi maiks trubble, and I shud go see how he doin!”

“Well, thank you for the waffles. I don't suppose Zim told you anything about what he gave me? My sister is worried it wasn't designed for humans,” I said, not holding my breath.

“We put that stuf in Nick, bak wen he wuz alive. Mastuh sed it waz important to keep deh test hoomans in gud shaip so dey be useful!”

I grew a little cold. Gir had given waffles to Nick too. If Zim came near me with any probe-looking device, I was going to kick his alien ass. But at least I knew it was supposedly safe for humans. “Did Zim tell you what I discussed with him?” I asked.

“Yu wanna help Masteh take ovur deh world so yu and Skari Gurl can come with us wen we be leavin. DEN WE CAN PLAY TOGETHUR ALL DAI!”

If Zim would let me, I was fixing that robot's speech protocols. Fixing his crazy was a mountain I wouldn't tackle by myself, but I think I could improve his speech significantly. “Except for the play all day bit, that's the plan.”

Gir leapt onto me, hugging my chest and wailing, “PLAY WITH ME!!! PLAY WITH ME!!”

I was trying to decide how to calm the insane robot when, of all people, Zim himself came into the room. “Gir, wait for me at home. Dib-beast, I have decided,” he announced, pulling a chair up to my bed and sitting in it. Gir jumped off my bed, waved at me, and squeaked of of the room.

That was quick. “About my offer?”

He nodded. “Zim had decided to partner himself with you to ensure the conquest of Earth. Your terrifying sister may join us when we leave Earth.”

That made me feel nervous, but also excited. “Cool. I was thinking we should look through some of your plans that I stopped and see if there's anything worth re-trying. We can also get ideas for new plans and then just decide which plans are most likely to succeed and worth putting into action.”

Zim gave me a smile that wasn't wholly evil. “The Dib has given this some thought, I see.”

I blushed. “It's been a what-if scenario I've entertained a few times over the years.”

I remembered something I'd said during Zim's Dark Harvest that was even more embarrassing than that admission. “To defeat my enemy I must study my enemy, then become my enemy, then move in with my enemy, then wear my enemy's clothes then...” I didn't realize how that sounded when I was that young. I was pretty sure going with Zim to his planet counted as moving in with him. Except now I didn't want to defeat him, and he was my ally. It still sounded embarrassing. Gaz would have a field day if she remembered that.

“So, how is the Dib feeling? Less broken, I assume?” Zim said, sounding smug. He was confident that his little shot had fixed me, and he had every reason to be.

“Actually, I feel pretty good. Still a bit hungry. If I can get them to discharge me, I might even go to school tomorrow. Heck, if I keep recovering at this rate, by tomorrow I'll be fit enough to beat up Torque and Co. I've gotta get these casts off; I feel like they're unnecessary now.”

I was a little apprehensive when Zim look startled by my admission. “Your broken bones are already completely healed?”

“Well, yeah, they feel fine. Isn't that why you gave me the shot?” I asked. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm my rising nerves. I could tell just by looking at Zim that something was up.

“The bones should have taken at least two days to heal. What injuries do you still retain?” he asked, his eyes raking over me in a visual assessment that had my blush returning.

I shrugged, and there was hardly a twinge in the motion. “Not much. I'm a little sore and stiff in some places, but even that's been declining rapidly. I haven't even taken any painkillers.” Zim looked very concerned by that and that just couldn’t have been good. “What's wrong, Zim?”

The petite alien shook his head, not meeting my gaze. “The serum has never worked so quickly before. I'm not sure what I could attribute that to other than your abnormally large head. I suppose you're smarter than most humans too. Have you had any other side-effects?”

“I have super-speed when eating now. I scared Gaz and the nurses with it, and when I ate his waffles, Gir clapped like I'd done a trick.” He had said I was smarter than most humans. Part of me was reeling at the compliment, but another part of me was getting really worried. “And my homework was way easier than usual. I got it done in less than half my normal time.”

Zim continued to look me over and then asked, “Could I have a small sample of blood? I might be able to discern why you present such an anomaly.”

That still made me apprehensive. This could be a huge set-up, even if our partnership was my idea. He could just be taking advantage of the opportunity I'd presented him with.

He could see where my thoughts were. “If you don't want to, that's fine; I just thought you'd want assurance that the anomaly isn't harming you in some way as well as helping you.”

I felt a little bad at my mistrust, even though it was highly understandable, possibly even expected. “Uh, sure, you can take some blood. Just don't clone me or do anything I would object to with it, okay?” I said half-jokingly.

As his PAK gave him an empty syringe, Zim said, “I can hardly bear one of you, Diblet. And the Earth couldn't bear the weight of another huge head.”

I rolled my eyes as he took a syringe's worth of my blood. He was quick and efficient, and it didn't even sting, hardly. That made me think I'd made the right choice in trusting him; my body seemed to be changing, and according to Zim, it was in excess of the original intended parameters of his serum. I'd need to trust him if something might be wrong, and I wanted it fixed.

My stomach growled angrily. Zim started and then glanced at it. I felt a little embarrassed. “Sorry, I just can't seem to eat enough to calm my stomach for long. I had all three hospital meals just a while before Gaz gave me two and a half pizzas and a box of breadsticks, and I was ravenous when she showed up.”

That critical gaze fell upon me again. “I suppose since you have over-hauled your body even beyond the standards of my serum, your body has a lot of catch-up eating to do. You're lucky you aren't passing out.”

I shook my head. “I don't feel faint or weak, just hungry. I almost feel _more_ energetic, especially when it comes to eating.”

I'd never seen Zim look _that_ concerned about another person, and it was stunning that it was me. It was also really scaring me how my reports of symptoms and behaviors were making him react.

He turned his head away and said, “I should get this back to my lab and start testing it right away. This anomaly is worrisome. A human wouldn't just over-haul my over-haul serum for no reason; there has to be a cause. Hopefully it isn't a harmful one.”

Yup, he had made me really concernicus with his seemingly-genuine care about my health. “You realize that this situation is totally strange, right? I mean, even if I've entertained the notion of an alliance with you before, the actual fulfillment of the idea is kind of blowing my mind with just how surreal it is. Not that it's bad. Just...really different. It'll take some getting used to.”

Zim gave me a pleasant smile that made my heart stutter and my mouth go dry, which was very unsettling. “Humans are adaptable creatures, right? You'll be fine, Diblet.”

“Yeah...so, I guess I'll see you at Hi Skool in a couple of days. We can plan more then.” My statement just got a nod from Zim before he left. And why was I feeling depressed that he was gone? Did I value our alliance so much already?

The answer was obvious. Even though we used to be enemies and were just partners now, Zim had always been the closest thing I had to a friend. And now we were actually being friendly. My stomach felt sort of ticklish at the thought of it.

I let out a sigh and resigned myself to get checked out tomorrow so I could go to Hi Skool the next day. It gave me a day to come up with plans, not just for taking over Earth, but for finding a way to thank Torque and Co. for my new perspective. I was certain I could find something suitably impressive. Yes, a day to plan and a day to act.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ZaDR! Let's see where this goes. Btw, there is magic IZ science in this chapter. I suppose this moves kinda fast, but there’s a planet to be conquered; it makes sense that both of them would want to jump in and get to work.
> 
> This chapter is much shorter than the last, because I had it done about to the point I’m posting it at, which gave further content while still allowing for a cruel cliffhanger.

I woke up in my bed, eager to go to Hi Skool, for once. After I got my casts off and did some exercises to see how my reflexes were, I found they had improved. Thanks to Zim's serum, that was the best hospitalizing beating I'd ever had. And you know what? Some lucky people have lives that don't require sentences like that.

I definitely hoped I'd run into Torque sometime early in the day. I doubted Zim would be unimpressed with what I had planned. Although, it was a fairly simple plan.

I got showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and ran out the door to Hi Skool. One of Torque's cronies spotted me on my way in, and I grinned at him and his dumbfounded look. I had yet to regret my decision to join Zim. So far, life was just getting better.

I sat down next to Zim's usual seat in 1st Hour, and he came in not long after. We were both pretty early, and he looked me over. “The Dib is in very good condition today. Any new symptoms or side-effects to report?”

“Well, I have better reflexes now. And I'm not sure, but I might have gotten stronger too.”

Zim stared at me. “You really are astounding, Diblet. I'm still running tests on your cells, but I'm quite eager to find out why you seem to be so exceptional.”

Shrugging, I leaned on my hand with my elbow planted on my desk. “I might not be the 'Amazing Invader Zim' but you have to admit that at least mentally I'm superior to a lot of people in my race. I mean, in this city, Gaz and I are the only ones who can see you for what you are. I even had trouble convincing the Swollen Eyeball Network about you. They never really believed me.”

“I suppose that's of benefit to both of us now. Will it arouse suspicion if you suddenly stop trying to make them believe?”

I considered that. “Maybe. Probably not, but I'll sever ties from them anyway. I'll just make up some proof and when they shrug it off I'll say I'm sick of them ignoring my evidence, and I'm better off on my own,” I said.

“Not a bad plan. I'm having my computer inventory my various plans since I've arrived on Earth, as you suggested. The list will be ready after school, and we could examine your test results then too, if they're finished. Would you care to come to my base after school?” Zim asked.

I was taken aback at such an offer so soon. Sure, I'd been in his base plenty of times and even had a rough idea of the overall layout, but the only time he'd let me in his lab to cooperate had been when Tak's plan was going on. And, of course, I'd planted that spy bug, so I wouldn't think that letting me in would be his first move. Unless he wanted to see what I'd do. In which case, I was fine, because I had no ulterior motives.

“Sure, I'd love to,” I said, and I felt an actual pleased smile growing on my face, which seemed to surprise Zim as much as it did me.

“Good. I'm sure we can get a lot accomplished by working together.”

(-)

Torque was almost suspiciously absent from my day. Walking home with Zim to his base had my heart pounding in nervous excitement. I didn't examine too closely why my heart was pounding or why Zim made my stomach behave strangely lately. And I determinedly ignored any similar episodes in the past.

“So, you made a list of all your plans? I'm not sure if this will be a fond trip down memory lane or spark some reflexive arguing,” I said.

Zim glanced at me. “Perhaps a bit of both. But I discarded the ones that can no longer be attempted or were foolish due to my lack of understanding this planet.”

“Which ones are those?” I was curious as to what his hindsight had made of some of his schemes.

“I got rid of working at McMeaty's. Also, since Mars is gone, that's out. The horrible disaster that was the brain parasite isn't worth giving another try. No mutant hampsters, mutant vermin, hypnotic pimples, candy sales, Santa suits, school elections, giant flesh-eating demon squids, or cows full of human sewage,” Zim said.

I was taken aback by the last one, and then wondered what was left to try. “So...what's still on the list?”

Zim didn't look at me when he said, “Just the happiness brain probes.”

He looked so dejected that I wanted to say something to cheer him up. This impulse was counter-intuitive to me, but it was in line with our new partnership. “Well, with us working together, I'm sure we can make some new additions to that list.”

That drew a small half-smile from him, and we reached the cul-de-sac where he lived. “I've instructed the gnomes and computers not to see you as a threat...for today. I'm afraid I can't do a long-term security clearance; this is still new and...”

“I get it,” I said. “I'm a little wary that you've got a happiness probe waiting for me.” And that was suddenly innuendo to my brain. I didn't know how Irkens reproduced, or even if they had traditional sexual organs. And I did _not_ need to be contemplating that right now. I knew I was blushing, and I hoped he'd take it at me being ashamed for mistrusting him.

Zim was watching me closely, and it only made me more self-conscious and flustered. “The Dib is feeling embarrassment?”

'Embarrassment and shame,' I thought dully. But I said, “I just feel bad that I can't trust you, especially since this was my idea.”

Zim shrugged and seemed to let the matter go. “It will just take time, I suppose. We've been adversaries for so many years that suddenly switching to allies isn't easy.”

Good God, it was much harder than he knew. It was easy to repress my xenophilia when Zim and I were enemies and always hurting each other. With this truce and partnership, all the things I'd been holding back were leaking to the front of my mind. I'd been dimly aware when I proposed this alliance that this could happen, but I thought some part of me hoped that if it did come out, Zim and I would be getting along well enough that he could tolerate it, if not accept it. I was mentally flogging that part of myself for such monumental stupidity.

We walked up to his front door, and I kept an eye on the lawn gnomes, just in case. Before Zim could open the door, it opened from inside, and Gir came flying at me. Surprisingly, I side-stepped quickly enough that he hit the sidewalk behind me. It was a demonstration of the superior reflexes I had noticed yesterday.

Gir started wailing as he hit the ground, screaming about how I didn't love him. Zim picked up the crazy thing by the scruff of his costume and took him inside, indicating that I should follow. Once inside, Zim dropped the robot, who wailed for a few more moments before turning on the TV and going to sit on the couch, apparently content.

Zim had normalized his house over the years, and it was almost able to pass as a human dwelling rather than an alien base. He took me into a door off his kitchen that led to a pantry, but a large part of a corner was bare, and this was the elevator we took to his labs. Being in such a tight space with Zim was a little unnerving, and not for the reasons he would likely think.

“Master, analysis on Dib cells complete. Anomalies indicate that more detailed research is required,” Zim's computer suddenly said.

That distracted me from Zim's proximity. “What anomalies?” I asked.

“Authorization to share results with Dib-creature?” the computer asked.

“Access granted. Share all but Top Secret information with Dib today,” Zim said.

I looked at him as we arrived at one of his labs and stepped out of the elevator. “Will _you_ answer if I ask what kind of things are Top Secret? Or is it too classified?” I asked Zim. There were some things I wasn't going to share with Zim, even with our alliance. They were mostly personal secrets. Like xenophilia.

Zim looked a little nervous. “Things that would get me deactivated and destroyed if I shared them with you.”

I stared at Zim, unaware he had such high stakes info to guard. I was glad I never stumbled into those while snooping on him, since I could only imagine that failure to protect the information would bring the same consequences. “Definitely something I don't want to delve into then.”

“Test results inconclusive due to unusual chemical compounds in Dib cells. Further tests required to determine cause. Do you want to run tests, Master?” the computer asked.

“Yes. Inform me when tests are complete. Don't bother me until you have results; authorization for any and all tests needed to obtain results,” Zim said.

And robot arms grabbed my wrists and lifted me up. “Vivisection on Dib-creature confirmed,” the computer said, and my stomach squirmed in sudden nausea and fear.

It started to lift me away, and Zim said, “No! Permission not granted!” The arms dropped me, and I lay on the cool metal floor for a few moments, trying not to tremble.

“The tests that are authorized are limited to the sample I have given you; the Dib is not to be harmed!” Zim said, still looking rather angry. “If further samples are needed, authorization is needed. Now stop wasting time being stupid and run the tests!”

“Yes, Master,” the computer said, and it sounded kind of sullen.

I climbed to my feet, still breathing a bit faster than normal. “Thanks. That was actually something I was still worried about, coming down here.”

Zim gave me an assessing look. “The Dib does not trust Zim, even after Zim gives him extensive information access?”

And, yeah, I felt a bit ashamed at his question. “It's like you said, Zim. We've been enemies for so long that wariness is natural. I trust you...but my brain's instincts are still catching up.”

Zim nodded, satisfied with my answer. “Indeed. Come, Dib-creature. We have plotting to do.”

I still felt a little guilty as I followed Zim, despite having chosen this path. I was betraying my species, my planet. But they had disowned me. And, if I was honest, humanity was just being humanity: selfish, cruel, hostile to anything different, and so ignorant it made me sick.

  
And, putting humanity in such a light, my decision to join Zim couldn't be all that different than the rest of humanity. It was in my own interests: neutralizing or destroying my persecutors, giving me an ally (and perhaps friend) who understood me and could match my intelligence, and making a place where I could maybe belong. I wasn't naiive enough to think that it would all be so simple. There were details to work out, like what happened after we conquered Earth. I doubted Zim's Tallest would welcome humans in their midst. But I trusted Zim to work something out in advance, with my help.

Yeah, guilt was natural, given how long I had defended humanity. But then, so was the slight thrill of vindication at the thought of humanity finally seeing the truth they had been persecuting me for trying to show them. So, this was still me trying to expose the existence of aliens. Only now, I would do it after it was too late for humanity to try and make up for their ignorance and hate.

(-)

“Dib-creature, I suggest we call it a night and try to develop some of these plans independently. We can compare notes at skool tomorrow.”

I looked at Zim and reached into my backpack, thinking that now was as good a time as any to implement my plan. I pulled out the stapled papers and handed them to Zim. “I actually brought some homework for you...sort of.”

Zim examined the top of the front page. “'Top 100 Things I'd Do if I Became an Evil Overlord'? There's a list?”

I smiled a little. “I've noticed over the years that there are a few things on that list you could learn from. I put a line through the ones that don't really apply to you, and there's some addendum items to the list. You can always call me if you don't really understand something,” I said.

Zim looked between me and the pages, then set them down on the console of his computer to open a cabinet of gadgets nearby. I'd been trying not to oggle and drool over them. He pulled out a watch that looked a lot like the communicator watches Gaz and I used to wear (at our father's insistence, despite him never having interest in contacting us) and a sort of tablet screen. Zim took a stylus out from the frame and scribbled on it. The scribble popped up on his computer and his Pak quietly beeped. He put the stylus away and handed me the tablet. “This will let you share information with Zim. It works far beyond just scribbles, and you can send me almost anything on it. The watch will let you communicate with me while you're out and about. Zim wants no filty human cellphone.” He handed me the watch.

I thought I was going to burst with how happy I felt. I slid the tablet into my backpack and strapped the watch around my wrist. I looked up and him, and he was watching me carefully. I grinned at him and said, “Thanks, Zim. I'm really glad I decided to work with you. The not-being-vivisected was especially fun.”

A look crossed Zim's face that I couldn't readily interpret. Something like unease. “You okay, Zim?”

He blinked, then smiled. “Of course. Just wondering about your tests.”

I had completely forgotten about the tests, so absorbed with spending time with Zim. I suddenly wasn't worried about them as much as I had been. Whatever was up, I was sure that Zim and I could deal with it. “Well, I can see myself out, I guess. See you tomorrow, Zim,” I said, waving as I walked to the elevator. Zim nodded.

On the way up, my heart was fluttering, and I felt ready to burst with glee. Is this what having a schoolgirl crush was like? I had it pretty bad. The voices that cautioned me to keep it to myself attempted to speak over my giddiness but found it difficult.

(-)

The next morning, I stepped out of my front door to come face to face with Zim. “Diblet, we need to talk.” The urgency in his tone was not reassuring.

“Okay. We can talk on the way to school together.”

Zim looked uncertain. “I’m not sure that our time wouldn’t be better spent in the lab today, as opposed to school.”

I tensed, not liking how this sounded. “Were the test results that bad?”

Giving me a quick once-over, Zim said, “Not necessarily bad, but strange enough to warrant some concern and further examination.”

I shouted over my shoulder into the house, “Gaz! I’m skipping school today; I have some things to take care of. See ya tonight!”

And I promptly took Zim’s hand and tugged him at a half-jog towards his house. When we were out of sight of my house, I slowed my pace. “Sorry, didn’t want Gaz to see me running off with you. It’d be hard to explain.”

“I suppose it would.” Zim was looking at me curiously. The inquisitive look made me realize I was still holding his hand, which I promptly dropped.

“So, can you tell me what about my cells is so alarming?”

Zim frowned thoughtfully. “I really think this would be best done in my labs, where I can show you what I found. Also, it has more privacy.” He looked at the various humans out and about that day.

Privacy. That was quickly stirring me up with all kinds of thoughts. I worked hard to keep a lid on that until we got to Zim’s base. We got through the yard without incident. “Did you extend my security clearance with the gnomes?”

Zim looked over his shoulder at me as he opened his front door. “I extended all your clearances indefinitely. You are my partner, yes?”

I grinned at him. “Yes.”

This time instead of dodging Gir, I caught the insane little thing, holding him by his torso as he wiggled and tried to escape. It was actually kind of cute. Until the top of his suit and his head opened and splattered what looked and smelled like melted vanilla ice cream on me. I dropped the robot, and he landed with a heavy thunk.

Zim watched me, some interest in my predicament. “Come inside, Diblet. We can get you cleaned up before we begin.”

Most of it was on my shirt, though it also covered my pants up to my crotch. The cold was a strange sensation that made me shiver a little, and not from the temperature. My nipples were visibly hard, and I wondered why Gir hated me so much as I watched the crazed thing follow us in. This was so awkward.

“Um, experience has taught me to have spare clothes on hand, so I can change.”

Still looking intrigued, Zim nodded. “Feel free.”

When he just kept watching me, I said, “Got anywhere a bit more private for me to change?”

Zim shook his head like he was trying to clear it. “Of course. On the main level there’s the bathroom or my room. No one should ever enter Gir’s room.”

“Given the mess, I guess I should pick the bathroom.” It was a little disappointing, because I wanted to see Zim’s room. And I reminded myself that while I had always been a creep, especially about Zim, that did not make it okay to escalate my creeping.

I slipped into the door Zim indicated in the hallway and was surprised how normal Zim’s bathroom looked. Shower stall, a rather large bathtub, toilet, counter with a sink. Nothing here screamed “alien” although I was willing to bet that the shower could use paste as well as/instead of water.

Reminding myself about creeping, I swiftly stripped off my clothes and piled them on the counter. I pulled out the t-shirt and pants I had stashed in my backpack and pulled them on. My coat was among the soiled articles, and while I could feel that Zim’s house was, as always, cold, it didn’t cause me any discomfort, though in the past I had always needed to keep it on to keep from shivering.

I stuck my head out of the bathroom and called, “What do you want me to do with my creamed clothes?”

My face blossomed red, and all sorts of inappropriate thoughts assaulted my mind. “Ice-creamed. Ice-creamed clothes.”

Zim’s face appeared at the end of the hall. “Just leave them there. Computer, clean and enhance Dib’s garments.”

“Enhance?” I picked up my backpack and headed over to him.

“Improvements. Make it more like Zim’s clothes.”

I blinked at him. “Thanks. We won’t be like, wearing matching outfits, right?”

Zim rolled his eyes. “It will make it more durable, self-cleaning, and regenerative.”

That sounded pretty wild. “That’s awesome. Now, there was some ominous news about my tests?”

Zim sobered. “Let’s talk in the lab.”

We took the elevator in the pantry, and Zim had my DNA analysis up on the big screen when we entered his lab. Several odd-looking portions were highlighted in red. It was strange, because I’d examined my own DNA before, and those bits had never looked like that.

“What’s up, Zim?”

“Diblet, your DNA is no longer strictly human. There were some sleeper genes blended in with the regular ones, and my serum activated them. They’ve overridden your normal human genes to the point where you are no longer classified as such.” Zim spoke swiftly, watching me carefully.

White noise filled my head as my thoughts went out of control. I wasn’t human. My genes had been blended. That thought briefly quieted my head as anger filled me. Dad. He’d fucked around with my DNA, probably in-vitro. It shouldn’t surprise me, and it wasn’t like I had idolized him, but I felt betrayed. I was supposed to be his son, not some experiment! “Professor Membrane strikes again. Bastard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great place to stop, right? I wanted to post what I had instead of making you wait until it was the length of the previous chapter. Let me know what you think of these developments; hopefully they entertain you at least as much as they have me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapter pleases you.

“Your father is to blame?” Zim seemed interested.

“If he isn’t, I’ll die of shock.” It made more and more sense the more I thought about it. “All those tests and long days in his lab when I was little…I wasn’t sick and needing treatment. I was being his lab rat.”

Zim examined me. “The Dib is a much more desirable specimen than a rat.”

The world-shattering revelation took a backseat to Zim calling me “desirable”. My anger subsided and I felt my face heat up. “Um, thanks. Is there anything dangerous about these new changes?”

“Not that I can tell,” Zim said. “If he was testing when you were still a smeet, your father must have written you off as a failed experiment by now.”

It was like he had punched me. Actually, punching me would have been preferable to that statement. I knew my dad wasn’t Father-of-the-Year or even Father-of-the-Minute material, and Zim was probably right. I was a failure in my father’s eyes, through no fault of my own. And then everything I did and said was just heaping more disappointment on the pile. I was defective.

I scarcely noticed my vision blurring before my face was wet. Wiping furiously at the tears, I told myself that this was nothing I hadn’t already known, not really. Professor Membrane’s son was nothing like what he wanted. He was weird, crazy, and an unworthy heir to his father’s legacy. Tears kept spilling, even as I kept wiping them away.

“Diblet? Zim did not mean to make you leak. Zim just meant after so many years, your father must have thought he was unsuccessful. He doesn’t know that it just required a catalyst to start the reaction.” His voice was uncharacteristically quiet and tentative.

Zim was trying to comfort me. The fact in and of itself calmed me. I felt warm inside as my tears slowed and I sniffed a little. “So everything happening right now is by design. Your formula triggered it, but this was what I was supposed to be all along.”

“I never imagined the Dib would be such a curious and exceptional creature. No wonder you never fit in with the human filthbeasts.”

My God. He had even said it: I couldn’t be classified as a human anymore. _Of course_ I never fit in with everyone else: I was never _meant_ to be human. But, again, realizing that I was a solitary creature by design wasn’t enough to stop me from fixating on the tone of admiration in Zim’s voice.

While disturbing, learning all of this with Zim’s help and support was incredibly freeing and satisfying in a way I’d never felt before. I’d always felt superior to those around me (but let’s face it, you could give me brain damage and I’d still be smarter than most humans) and this validated those feelings.

And Zim. God, Zim was sitting here talking about my being an experiment in enhanced genetics without any reservations or hesitation. He was comforting me. Although it made sense that such things wouldn’t bother an alien. And since I wasn’t human either, why should it bother me?

“Thank you, Zim, for all of this. The formula, the tests, the support. I feel…right. Complete. I didn’t know I was missing anything until you helped me find it.”

It was probably ludicrous to share all my feelings with the cold invader and hope to have some deeper moment with him, but this new development had me bursting with hope. Hope for myself, hope for the future, hope for…love. I needed to reign myself in before I did something stupid that ruined this.

But when I met Zim’s eyes, they held…something. They weren’t cold. There was something simmering deep in those magenta depths that made my heart leap. I just couldn’t tell what it was.

“You…you are welcome, Dib-friend. Zim is pleased to have a partner who can finally keep up with him.” The last sentence seemed like it was intended to offset the kindness of the first one.

It drew a sly grin to my face at the challenge. “Face it, Zim, we’ve been giving each other a run for our money since we met. Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy our rivalry as much as I did.”

“Don’t pretend the Dib hasn’t always had more pleasure to gain from our interactions. That the Dib’s excitement in our encounters wasn’t…passionate.”

I felt suddenly afraid, because he said that in a knowing tone. But he couldn’t know, right? I hadn’t gotten that sloppy already. And this was the guy I had to explain platonic partnerships to. He wouldn’t know _how_ to imply that I had sexual passion for him, let alone that he needed to. He had, however, immediately associated partnership with male homosexuality, which sorta applied to me. I had never wanted girls. But I had never wanted guys either. I had only wanted _him_. But he was technically a “him”, right?

Not a good time to contemplate what sort of things Zim might be hiding under that uniform. And the fact that this whole exchange made me want to kiss the little alien meant I didn’t have a good comeback for that. Not without running the risk of delving deeper into the topic and revealing too much.

So what should I say? “Are there any other tests you can run to get more specifics on what about me is different? I mean, I know you don’t have a ‘before’ sample to compare to, but-” I cut myself off as Zim looked away and his posture stiffened.

“Zim might have a few old samples of Dib somewhere. Zim would have to check.”

Well wasn’t that peculiar. “You’ve had my DNA all along? And you never used it in an evil plan to destroy me?”

The little alien shrugged, still not looking at me. “Valuable resources should be used after careful planning, not wasted on hasty gambles.”

I was a valuable resource. Well, my DNA samples were, and only because I wasn’t an easy target. Speaking of… “How did you get these samples?”

Zim glanced at me and then away again. “I told you earlier my garments are self-cleaning, yes? Well, I realized I was wasting countless opportunities during our fights. So I made an alternate uniform designed to clean all but one substance that touched it: blood.”

Holy cow. “Wait, is that what that fight was about?” In eighth grade, right before Hi Skool, Zim had started a fight with me one day. Out of the blue, no provocation or context. No weapons, no tactics, just up-close dirty melee. Not just punching and scratching either; there had been some wrestling involved that we’d never engaged in before. I had been very confused afterward (and not at all subconsciously enjoying so much physical contact with the alien), and I had nursed claw wounds that I still bore scars from. But Zim had just been wounding me and then absorbing as much of my blood into his clothes as he could.

When I got no answer, I asked, “How many samples do you have?” He had said “valuable” which to me indicated “few”.

Turning his back to me completely, Zim said, “Zim would have to check his records-”

Zim’s computer broke in. “Five-hundred and thirty-two Dib samples remain.”

If I thought he looked tense before, the Irken looked positively taut now, even just from behind. “That’s a lot of samples. You could have tried a lot of dastardly things with that much material. What have you been doing with them?”

The computer answered again. “In-depth analysis, genome mapping, potential cl-”

“SHUT UP!!!” Zim screeched. He turned on me, eyes alight with outrage. “Dib-beast, I can conduct these tests you request. But Zim requires time alone if you want me to complete them today. I order the Dib to go home.”

Whoa. Together, Zim’s computer and I had done more than poke a nerve; we’d clearly stabbed it. Zim might switch between first and third person when referring to himself, but never mixed together like that. He was upset.

I looked at the watch he’d given me. The default display was time, and I could see that second hour would just be starting now. I definitely wasn’t going to school. But I looked up and saw him breathing heavily, eyes filled with anger and something I could have sworn was fear. It had never made sense that I could read his mood in his eyes; they were alien and unlike any eye I had ever seen before. But something just clicked when I looked into them. _He_ made sense to _me_.

“I can go home, Zim. Will you let me know when you find something out?”

He was calming slightly. “Yes, Dib-thing, I will contact you with my findings.”

“Then I guess I’ll see you later.” I picked up my backpack and made my way out of his lab. A glance over my shoulder as I was almost to the elevator showed Zim folding his arms over his chest, but with a sad gaze that made him look…small.

(-)

When I got home I discovered it was only Zim’s presence keeping me grounded. No matter what I tried to work on, my head wouldn’t stop fixating on all the new revelations. I started getting depressed and ended up going to sleep.

I woke up when the front door slammed. “DIB!” Gaz was home from school. I had barely had time to sit up before she was opening the door to my room. “What’s the deal with you playing hooky with Zim?”

Uh-oh, she _had_ seen me leave with him. “We just had some things to discuss.”

“Things you couldn’t discuss at school?” When I took too long trying to think of an answer, Gaz said, “Did you finally tell him?”

I got cold, because what did she mean by that? Surely not…it wouldn’t make sense. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about this truce being your way of getting closer to the alien you’ve been obsessed over since you first laid eyes on him. Don’t play dumb.”

So she _did_ know. “I…how did you figure it out?”

Gaz grimaced. “I don’t want to get into how I know.”

That sounded bad. “But if it’s something I might slip up and let him find out…”

“So you haven’t told him. Trust me, it’s nothing he’d find out if he didn’t live with you.”

Something clicked. Oh shit. I had wet dreams about Zim from time to time. They had been my greatest shame, since I’d gotten pretty good at repressing my xenophilia otherwise. Having dreams of your enemy touching and licking to bring you to ecstasy was unacceptable if you were going to protect the planet.

“Um, I guess I haven’t been a quiet sleeper. Sorry. But even if we aren’t constantly fighting right now, I’m not about to tell Zim about my…inappropriate thoughts.” I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with my little sister. I knew we had gotten closer, but not close enough for this kind of topic.

On the other hand, who else could I discuss this with? I was lucky she wasn’t disgusted by me. But she didn’t seem phased at all, in true Gaz fashion. “‘Inappropriate thoughts’? You want date an alien, Dib.” A short pause. “Own up to it. I’ve watched you fall in love with a creature from outer space whose goal is to conquer our planet. As we’ve grown up, he’s actually gotten more competent. So if there’s a chance to get him when he’s giving enslaving humanity a break, take it.” She smirked. “Just think of it as a plan to keep him from destroying the Earth by convincing him to settle down on it. With you.”

Yeah, this was an insane amount of support for my xenophilia. “Gaz, I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you.” Of course, she didn’t know that our truce wasn’t based on Zim backing off of his goals, but on my joining him.

I had to wonder how she would take the news of Professor Membrane’s manipulation of my DNA. Would she take it in stride, given that it was very in-character of him? Or would she get upset since she had still looked to him to be a father for years? But she was older now, less naiive. In any case, it would be too early to talk about it yet.

A glance at my watch that I couldn’t help drew her eye. “That’s new.” She looked between it and me once and asked, “Did Zim give that to you? He must be looking to go steady if he’s giving you shiny toys.” The teasing tone was reassuring. “Stop being a weenie and make a move.”

And with that, she left, closing the door behind her.

(-)

I was nervous when I hadn’t heard from Zim by the next morning. Was he still upset? Would he be at school today? Only one way to find out. I headed to school early (Gaz usually walked with me) and got a surprise when Zim was there before me.

I approached him where he leaned on the wall near the main entrance. “Hey. I was kind of worried when I didn’t hear anything from you. Are the tests that complex, or are you still pissed about…whatever upset you?”

Fake eyes searched mine. “Zim has no idea what you mean. And, yes, your anomalies are proving difficult to analyze, which is astonishing. Earth-smellies are too stupid to stump superior Irken tech. Except your father, apparently.”

Of course Professor Membrane was special enough to outsmart Irkens. An irrational jealousy rose in me at the slight admiration in Zim’s tone. “Yeah, well Membrane is a monster who turns his child into a science experiment, so I don’t give a flying fuck if you like how smart he is.” I wanted to smack myself. That sounded odd and hostile, and I wasn’t sure if Zim would catch onto my jealousy.

“Oh, Zim does not care about your father except what affects you and our plans.”

The off-hand tone and frank boredom calmed me. “Good. Sorry we haven’t gotten much planning done since all this stuff started happening with me.”

Zim shrugged. “The Dib was a powerful ally and partner as he was; now the Dib is even more so. Understanding and stabilizing you takes priority. Then we can enslave mankind.”

The matter-of-fact tone of those statements warmed me: it was just obvious. _I_ was the priority; world domination could wait. Coming from Zim, that was the highest praise and statement of worth. I reminded myself that letting all the affection and desire bubbling up in me loose in the form of a hug or kiss would be a very bad idea. Keep it to yourself, Dib.

One of Torque’s bully friends who had beat me was approaching the main entrance. When he saw the two of us, his eyes widened and he dashed in the doors, clearly eager to avoid any confrontation. It reminded me of something.

“Have you seen Torque? I was going to repay him, but I haven’t seen him since he beat my face in.”

The fact that Zim immediately looked away from me was both concerning and strangely hopeful. “After seeing your pathetic self in Hospittle, Zim had to make an example of what happens to those who believe they are worthy of stealing his enemies.”

That idea wasn’t upsetting me the way I knew it should be. “An example?”

Zim glanced to meet my eyes and then away again. “Torque will not trouble you again. That is all.”

I hadn’t consciously decided to hug Zim: my arms were just suddenly around him. He tensed, and I was about to let go when, with great hesitance, he returned my hug. But as soon as his arms were around me, we were interrupted.

“Ooooh, the freaks are in love!” Sarah shouted. She had been in our class in Graid Skool, and always took particular joy in implying that Zim and I were a couple. I had been repressing, so I couldn’t admit it when I was Defender of Earth, but now I recognized that it only hurt because it _wasn’t_ true.

True or not, it was still embarrassing, especially since this time we were actually having a moment together. And she ruined it. We broke apart and our faces turned to glare at her simultaneously, and she looked panicked before she, too, ran into the school. The few others who had been paying attention studiously avoided looking at us after that.

I knew I was bright red, and I couldn’t look at Zim. He’d been here long enough to know why I was embarrassed. “Um, thanks. I’ve never had anyone take revenge on my behalf before.”

Zim sounded flustered as he said, “Zim did not do it for you! He must not let anyone take what is his! I mean…YOU’RE LYING!!!”

The sudden shout and him dashing into the school building startled me, but as the doors closed behind him, I was grinning like an idiot. He hadn’t used that lame, last-resort comeback in years. Admitting that he saw me as his had embarrassed him enough to make him panic. I was full of warm fuzzies at the idea.

“What was that about?” Gaz asked from behind me. “That sounded like the old Zim.”

I turned to her, unable to dim my smile. “He was embarrassed. About me.”

A small smirk snuck onto her face. “So is _he_ going to say something?”

That was a confusing question. “Say what?”

She snorted. “You’re an idiot.” And so saying, she walked into school.

Did she mean that he realized how I felt? She told _me_ to say something to _him_. It was probably a bad sign that she thought he would beat me to confronting this. But I just didn’t know how to start a conversation that would probably end in ruining the best thing in my life.

I headed inside, deciding to behave towards Zim like this never happened. Only that warmth inside me at him claiming me, even if just as an enemy, made it bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kay, that was fun. I still worry about OOC Gaz, but people seem satisfied with how she’s gone so far, so I hope this is also acceptable.
> 
> Hope this was worth the cliffhanger from last chapter. Got crazier shit on the way.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They brighten my day and warm my squeedlyspooch.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my brain has lots of crazy shit planned for this fic. Hopefully it will tickle your fancy.

“Zim does not see why we are going to the mall. He has defeated Mall Security and the zombie army already. The place is boring.” The little alien marched beside me, having followed me when I deviated from my normal routine after school.

‘You didn’t have to come,’ I thought, but would never say. Because I wanted Zim with me whenever I could have him.

“Zombie army?” After a second I shook my head. “Nevermind. Knowing you, I probably don’t want to know. And I have to get a gift for Gaz.”

I’d almost forgotten about the Game Slave 4. It was coming out today and I needed to hurry to get a decent place in line. I lengthened my stride and heard a grumble as Zim struggled to keep up. In broad daylight among crowds of humans, he wouldn’t use his Pak legs unless he had to. Humans were stupid, but not all of them were oblivious enough to not notice that.

“The Gaz-beast requires tribute? Is that how you keep her from killing and eating you?” There was a glint that I could read even in his fake-eye contacts.

“Did you just make a joke? Like, a good joke?” I was grinning, because Zim never joked around. Teased and made fun of me, sure, but nothing like this. It could almost be something he would say when he didn’t understand something, but I could just tell it wasn’t.

“Diblet thinks Zim’s joke is good?” That got me a pleased, non-sinister smile. But then his face straightened. “Why does your terrifying sibling need a gift?”

I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t understand. “Gaz is one of two people I…care about. One of two people who give a damn about me. She’s given me a lot of support, especially recently. And I know this will make her happy. So it will make me happy to get it for her.”

“Happy to make her happy. Humans are still riddles to Zim, which is strange because they are dull, simple creatures.”

“I’m not human,” I reminded him. “And even if we’re talking about everybody else, yeah, they’re really stupid, but it’s the emotional aspect that seems to confuse you. From what I can tell, you don’t have anything like it in your society. I mean, you’ve gained some complexity over the years, but Irkens don’t feel emotions in the same way humans do, do they? Everything I’ve read indicates-”

“Read?!” I stopped walking at the sudden panic in the little alien’s voice. “Where have you been reading about Irk?!”

I frowned at him. “Tak’s ship had a lot of information stored that I studied.” I looked at his wide eyes and realized something. “This is the Top Secret information, isn’t it? Tak must have thought no one was smart enough to crack her encryption.”

Zim shuddered. “She’s lucky if she’s still floating in space then. If the Tallest find out…I would not want to be her.”

I slid my hand into his gloved one and pulled him along, moving at a pace he could keep up with. Once I had him moving again, I should have let go of his hand, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Look, Zim, since I got this information from her, does it mean you can’t discuss it still? Anything I know could be blamed on her, but I don’t want to risk getting you killed.”

The little hand squeezed mine and I looked at him. He quickly averted his eyes, shyly staring down at the pavement as we walked. “Zim…doesn’t know. What…what does Dib-friend want to talk about?”

The uncertainty and vulnerability in his voice was both adorable and concerning. This was a big deal. His willingness to even consider discussing this meant he trusted me a lot. He apparently trusted me with his life.

“Well, I could just tell you what I’ve learned, and you could chime in if you feel comfortable doing so.” I held his hand a little tighter. “How does that sound?”

Those false eyes darted around us. “Perhaps when we’ve escaped the mall and are safely hidden in my base.”

“Fair enough. We’re here anyway, and I’m sure the crowd is going to be loud.” I pushed open the glass doors and was greeted with affirmation of my prediction.

Zim grimaced. “Let us get this filth machine and leave.”

This wasn’t going to go over well. “We have to wait in line to buy it. It came out today so it will be a while. You don’t have to stay.”

A full body shudder went through him as we moved to get to the end of the winding line. “Z-Zim will not be bested by a bunch of filthy humans.”

And he stood next to me at the end of the line, not pulling his hand from mine. In fact, I could tell he was standing closer to me. I attributed it not to fear, but to claustrophobia from the crowd. He might be surrounded by his “enemies”, but he sought safety and comfort with me. It was gratifying to know he relied on me like that already.

Someone had gotten in line behind us and was a little too close for comfort. I turned to look and found a chubby boy with a manic grin. “HI! Are you waiting for the GS4?!”

Our long wait had just gotten longer, I was certain. “Yeah, this is the line.”

His voice was pitched so high in excitement that it hurt. “YESSS!! I would have been here when the mall opened, but all my fans were waiting to see me win the Pokexeno card tournament. It was like the other players weren’t even TRYING to beat me, it was so easy!”

Something inside me was being shredded by his voice and smile. I was pretty sure he was an assault upon my sanity. “Great. Now if you’ll excuse us, we-”

“I can’t WAIT to get the new Zombie Goat Slayer game! There’s a feature that allows you to be a RANCHER and have your own Zombie Goat FARM!! I’m getting the DLC Ranch decorations right away so I can get top rank and…”

I tried my best to tune him out as I looked at Zim, whose right eye was twitching. I held his hand tighter and pulled him closer to me, wishing I could just take him and leave.

My movements caught the kid’s eye. “You guys would LOVE the Shonen-ai dating sim coming out next month!! It’s called: ‘Conquering Foreigner’! I don’t play many dating sims because they’re WAY too easy, but it has a battle system since the three love interests are rivals from different countries. They’re going to keep adding rivals, and I decided I’ll play just to dominate the leaderboards…”  
  


Blushing because I had enough weeb knowledge to know what he was talking about, I very carefully did _not_ look at Zim. He wouldn’t know what “Shonen-ai” meant, but there were enough contextual clues for him to get the gist of what the kid was saying.

So it was immensely disappointing when Zim hissed and dropped my hand before running away. It wasn’t like I blamed him, not really; this idiot was still talking, not even having noticed the little alien’s hostility. But now I was alone with the maniac, and he showed no signs of stopping or even slowing.

“…Miz, the main rival-slash-love-interest, looks a little bit like your boyfriend. Luckily you can skip the lovey cut scenes, since ugly guys-”

I had a fistful of his shirt before I knew I had grabbed him. “What did you say?”

It was the only thing that had shut him up so far. But only for a moment. “Your boyfriend is ugly, but there’s a niche market that finds that attractive, and the sales show-”

He didn’t know when to stop. I let his shirt go to grab his arms, squeezing until he cried out and I realized my enhanced strength was showing. “He’s not ugly. He’s the most beautiful thing on this planet, and if you think you can-”

A polite throat clearing came from behind me. “Dib-friend, we can leave now. I have acquired the gift for your sibling.”

My whole body felt too warm as I let go of the kid and turned slightly to see Zim standing behind me. Just a glance at his eyes reflected curiosity, contacts or not. I couldn’t look at him. But when something nudged my elbow I had to look back long enough to grab it. It was my wallet, still warm from being in my pocket, although clearly Zim had stolen it. Then I realized that he hadn’t ditched me. He must have line-jumped to buy the GS4 so we could leave.

“Fine, I know Gaz will love-”

A dramatic gasp from the boy drew my focus back to him. Far from the manic joy he’d been displaying, his face was now twisted in a haunted terror as he took two steps back. “Gaz?! How do you know her?”

Clearly he had met Gaz and gotten on her bad side. It took no stretch of imagination to see how he might have pissed her off. “She’s my little sister.”

“Sister!? No….NO!!! I won’t…she can’t…THE BATTERIEEEEEEEEESSS!!!!!” The kid ran screaming out of the mall.

“Wish I’d mentioned her earlier,” was all I could think to say.

“Let us present the gift to your sister and return to my base,” Zim said.

I thought about the conversation I had with Gaz that morning. “Actually, mind if I give it to her and then catch up with you at your house? I kind of want to talk to her alone.”

“Are you going to tell her?” Zim asked.

I was startled, since she had asked the same question referring to him. But he wouldn’t encourage me to tell her that I was interested in him because he didn’t know I was in the first place. “Tell her what?”

“About you. About our plans.”

Oh. Right. “I’m still holding off on that. I still don’t know what I’d say about not being human, and I don’t know if she’ll react well to my switching teams. This is something else, something more personal.”

I shouldn’t have phrased it like that, because Zim immediately looked interested. I tucked my wallet back into my pocket and took his hand to pull him out of the mall. I assumed he had the GS4 in his Pak. He didn’t mind me not releasing his hand as we headed back to my house.

It was too much to hope for that he wouldn’t want to talk about my personal talk. “What do you have to discuss with the Gaz?”

“Personal business. I’m…I’m not ready to discuss it with you yet.” That hadn’t been what I had meant to say.

“But you will tell me soon?” Zim asked eagerly. I think he was wanting to level the playing field a little after finding out that I’d been studying forbidden knowledge about his race.

“I don’t know about ‘soon’, Zim. It’s…” I wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t hint at what I was trying not to say.

“This is Dib’s Top Secret information, yes? Revealing your nature and weaknesses, potentially life-threatening if shared?”

I was exactly right; he wanted to study and learn about me as much as I had about him. Or at least his race. I would give a lot to get Zim’s personal Top Secret information. “Yeah, pretty much like that.”

“So the Dib will share when he is ready. That is how friendly information gathering works, yes?” He looked very pleased with himself for coming to that conclusion on his own.

“Yeah, that’s how friends do it.” The moment it slipped from my mouth I blushed, my xenophile teenage brain immediately taking the statement and making it dirty. It renewed my curiosity as to what he was hiding under that uniform; how would we ‘do it’ if such a miraculous opportunity occurred?

“Why is the Dib-friend embarrassed?”

Yikes, how to answer that? “Um, just…thinking it was dumb of me to not shut that kid up sooner.” Again, that was not what I wanted to say.

“Yes, hurting him seemed the most effective method until you mentioned your sister…what exactly caused you to attack the noise-pig?” Zim’s tone was deliberately casual, so he knew the answer to his question.

“He insulted you. You’re my friend, and I won’t let people talk about you like that.” Friend-zone myself. Hopefully that would work.

“But…you called Zim beautiful…” The shy inquiring tone he had now made my stomach uncertain of itself. He wanted me to tell him, to verify.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. This didn’t have to be a full reveal. “Because you are. You are like nothing else on this planet. And I’ve seen other kinds of aliens when I was studying the info from Tak’s ship. I’ve seen other Irkens. You’re different. Better. And no one is going to lie and put you down in front of me. Friends stand up for each other.”

Though I felt colossally brave for confessing even that much, I drew the line at looking at him. I looked up and away, face far too hot. But when that gloved hand squeezed mine much tighter than it ever had, I almost slipped and looked back at him. Almost.

“Thank you, Dib-friend. Zim stands up for you too.”

Like with Torque. Whatever Zim had done for me had left the bully missing and all his friends spooked and afraid of us. I knew I should ask, should insist on knowing what Zim had done, but a big part of me didn’t care. It was disconcerting that all my conviction at protecting humans had slipped away so quickly, especially when I was no longer one.

But Torque would have killed me. If Gaz hadn’t found me and called 911, I would have stayed crumpled and broken on the sidewalk until I bled out or went into shock or both. He and his friends had left me to die. So my attitude was likely far less severe about the welfare of my almost-murderers.

And if I was honest, this darkness had been growing in me for years, however much I tried to repress it. This wasn’t a new development. This was me giving up fighting it. I had agreed to conquer or destroy the entire planet; bring humanity to its knees. Any misgivings I had when I started this were gone. Zim had always been the most important thing in my life. Now that we were togeth-on the same side, I knew I could never go back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been sitting on most of this chapter in hopes of making it longer, but I figured that’s a decent stopping point and better than waiting longer to update. Hope you enjoyed Iggins. XD
> 
> Feel free to review, my squeedlyspooch gets all jiggly…

**Author's Note:**

> So this is hopefully interesting to the fandom. Even if it is arguably OOC, I like the relationship between Gaz and Dib portrayed here. Hopefully you do too. Let me know in a review, if you are so inclined.


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